iDon't know what to feel
by Zpazle
Summary: Sam wasn't sure how to feel after her first kiss. Why did she do it? Should she tell Carly? Was Freddie even her friend?


She remembered first returning to Carly's apartment after that kiss. She felt beyond strange, outside of herself. She felt weirdly aware of her hands, sweaty and swinging at her sides, her legs, mechanically moving her forward, her bones, almost hollow and stiff, and most of all her lips. Although she kept putting her hand to them, they seem remarkably unaltered. How could they not have changed? They just had they're first kiss! Granted, she had just argued to the entire internet and her two best friends that a first kiss is absolutely no big deal, but this felt huge. There was no way she could just reach this kind of milestone and no be drastically different. And yet here she was, standing in Carly's apartment, watching Spencer eat a spaghetti taco on the couch, while yelling at the the football game on the TV. Nothing was different at all. This was the exact same place she came to every day after school, the same place where she slept every other night with the same fridge she ransacked about every fifteen minutes. She felt like the only person that had felt a nuclear explosion.

"Uhhh, Sam? If you're gonna barf or something, could you not do it in the doorway while staring at me like a zombie?" Spencer asked.

Sam jerked her hand away from her mouth. "Oh no, I was just uhhhh-"

"Wait, weren't you and Carly in the middle of a web show?"

_Aww crap._ Sam raced up the only to find Carly tinkering with the computer with a dormant camera at her side.

"Hey Sam! Don't worry, I took care of the show!" Carly said, just a bit too brightly. "A few fan videos, you know, and I promised we'd pick back up on that meatball war next week. At least we won't have to plan a new show now." Carly clicked something and closed the laptop. She plopped down on one of the beanbags on the floor and looked at Sam expectantly.

Sam grabbed the other bowl of meatballs from the table and sat down next to her best friend. _We never tell anyone. Ugh! This is gonna be painful._ She tossed a meatball in her mouth absent-mindedly, lost in her own thoughts, while Carly watched her with a calculating look.

"So?" Carly began. Sam started and looked over to Carly.

"So what?" she answered casually, regaining her composure.

Carly narrowed her eyes and studied her best friend. Sam couldn't hold her gaze. _There is NO way she could just know like by looking at you. Come on Sam, hold it together now. I mean, seriously, it was just to get it over with anyway. _Sam hurriedly stuffed another meatball in her mouth and gazed up at the ceiling.

"Oh no!" Carly said dramatically.

"WHAT?" Sam demanded_. No way, no way, no way…._

"You yelled at him again didn't you?" Carly accused exasperatedly.

"No! I apologized. He had already watched iCarly," Sam explained. Her heartbeat went down considerably.

"Well good. Poor Freddie. Is he okay?" she asked, throwing her hair back and taking a meatball for herself.

Sam fought the insane urge to grin. "Oh he's better than okay." Carly looked at her, a little confused. "I mean he said he'll come back to school and everything," she said quickly. She rejected the thought of the kiss from her mind. _It was nothing. Nothing. Never tell anyone. Come on!_

"Well that's …good," Sam could tell Carly was getting weirded out. Sam couldn't exactly blame her. She must be acting extremely distracted and jittery. It seemed strange that she had been so aware of her entire body not even five minutes ago and now she didn't feel able to control anything. Specifically the urge to tell her best friend everything. It made sense that she wanted to blab it all to Carly though. You were supposed to jump up and down, squeal, have a sleepover and giggle about your first kiss. Sam thought back to the awful movie she and Carly had seen,_ All while giving each other makeovers and dancing around in different outfits._

"Did he say anything else?" Carly asked curiously, still watching her like she could read her mind if she stared hard enough.

Sam couldn't help it. Her resisting mind flashed back to the moment of the kiss. She really hadn't thought it would be anything huge. She remembered the awkward silence riht after they decided they were actually going to go through with it. _Why did I anyway? Am I really that desperate?_ The truth was, she figured out, that she had realized the connection between her and Freddie underneath their cat and mouse relationship. Apologizing for some of her favorite pranks made her realize just how nice it was to have the dork around. Not many people would still talk to a person, much less treat them like they weren't the spawn of Satan, after the first person sneaked into the other person's house to put blue cheese dressing in their shampoo bottle. But that was just how they managed to work out. Sam would have fun and torture Freddie somehow, Freddie would get mad, they would yell and tease, Carly would make them shut up, and then whatever silent contract they had between them would cause Freddie to, well, maybe not forgive, but at least act civil to Sam until the next prank. The guy put up with a lot of her "fun" and still managed to be a real friend to her; not that she would ever really call her and Freddie "friends" out loud. As she sat on the fire escape, thinking about Freddie's strange kindness, she felt really close to the boy. He may be a complete dork, but he was her dork. So when she figured out what he was suggesting they do, she thought, _Why not?_ This may have even been a sign of him getting over his creepy crush on Carly, something she had considered unhealthy for quite some time now. But as they sat there on the edge she couldn't move. They're eyes met, and she covered up the fear that suddenly gripped her.

"Well? Lean," she ordered. And like a scene out of a movie, he did.

She wasn't sure what she had been expecting, but kissing her best friend and enemy was truly the weirdest thing she had ever experienced. When their lips met, her adrenaline sparked the strange sensation of being aware of everything around her. Reality seemed to be painted in brighter colors all of the sudden. He seemed much better at this than her too. She remembered him leaning in a bit more, the kiss still soft but a bit more firm. Subconsciously, her brain kept screaming, _This is __Freddie__! You are kissing __Freddie!_, but she didn't mind. His skin was soft and warm and his hair smelled just like he always did, only, so much nicer; like she could fall asleep in the smell. When the kiss broke, the awkwardness of kissing this person that had only ever meant a few fun insults to her came into full perspective. She had always thought of him as the person she loved to hate. She had never really thought about the endearing side of that thought. This new romantic gesture was way too new for her to handle. After the awkward goodbye, he called her back.

"I hate you," he said with a smile. _Is this Benson's attempt at flirting?_ But she felt the friendly tone to his words. _Friendly_. She smiled at the word and how warm it made her feel. Freddie as a real, honest to God friend. It was comforting thought.

"I hate you too," she answered, and walked away.

"Sam?" Carly's call brought her back to earth, to where she had been holding a half eaten meatball and probably staring at the air like an idiot.

"Yeah?" Sam asked nonchalantly.

"Ummm, what else did you guys say?" Carly still seemed to think Sam was having some sort of fit, but Sam knew she wasn't one to pry.

"Oh, we just talked," Sam said happily. She jumped back up and dusted off her shorts. Her entire body was feeling very light and airy all of a sudden.

"Talked?"

"Yep." Sam held Carly's gaze for a few moments until Carly seemed to find something satisfying in her eyes.

"Okay. Well are you sleeping over tonight?" Carly asked, probably to change the subject.

"Nope. I'll get a ride from my mom," Sam answered. "See you tomorrow!" She left a very confused Carly in the studio and headed downstairs. Maybe she didn't want to blab all of this yet. Maybe she would keep this memory all for herself. Just for a little while.


End file.
